subpar

Tonight, I'm not feeling too wonderful. I'm frustrated, I can't move, my pelvis is in so much pain, I can't get around like I want to and I just feel not quite right. I'm very, very ready for this baby to be here and very ready to not be pregnant anymore.

It's so funny to think back to when I was first pregnant and I would think, "I can't wait til people start noticing I'm pregnant!" "It's gonna be so cool when I start showing and start getting big!" "I can't wait til people start commenting on my pregnancy!" and now I'm like "Ugh, I wish people would stop commenting on my pregnancy and I could just be skinny again!"

I feel so heavy now, physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and it takes all I have to even get up off of the couch or out of bed. I have shooting, stabbing pains through my pelvis when I try to move my legs at all (which I believe is rare in my case, so don't be too frightened to have to endure that during pregnancy if you've been thinking about becoming pregnant). Other than the immobility, I feel pretty normal except for the exhaustion and added frustration of being unable to move freely.

I made it up to week 36 without stretch marks, and now my stomach looks like one that I always dreaded. There are lines everywhere and I'm terrified of what it will look like after baby is no longer inside. My tummy is the only part of my body that I've ever been self conscious about and I just know that this will make it worse.

I know I should just be thrilled that I'll soon have our precious little one in my arms to play with and to love, but lately I've had so many worries about my own life. Who will I be when this baby is finally here? What will I be like then? Will I still be the same person I am today?

I really thought that this baby was going to make its appearance on Monday. I woke up feeling amazing. No pain or anything. It was also a new moon that night so I thought that might put things into motion. Plus, we had lots of things to do and places to be which I thought would cause baby to feel like it needed to interrupt. I was even having on again/off again back cramps and braxton hicks the entire day. Nothing happened, though, and I woke up the next day with all my pain back where it was the day before. I then just accepted the fact that the baby has decided not to be born and to just stay content in mommy's tummy forever. That's honestly how I feel right now. It's still kicking and squirming and being just as normal as ever. I've not had a mucus plug, no bloody show, no false labor of any kind and I'll be 39 weeks tomorrow. My due date is in exactly one week. I know first time mommies usually go over their due dates, but I just don't see how I can possibly do this for longer than another week! I need some relief.

For now, my bakery scented candle is burning and I'm trying to make this night as relaxing as possible because I think I might have a breakdown otherwise. I hope all is well in everyone else's lives right now and I know that soon, this will all be a distant memory for me and I'll have my sweet little one here with us. Good night everyone. :)