homebirth part II - hospital birth

*I've added a few edits at the bottom of this post just about random things I've remembered.*
February 15, 2012
St. Anthony is about 45 minutes from our house. As I was in the car with super intense contractions, I couldn't imagine a longer period of time than 45 minutes..in a car. Thankfully, Chelsey was super speedy and got us there in around 20 minutes. When we got there, we had to explain that my lips were blue because I'd been drinking blueberry juice, not because I was dying and that I was super pale because well, I'm just super pale. Also not because I was dying.. Although I felt like I was dying. Not really..but trying not to push when you need to push is certainly one of the most miserable feelings ever. Also, knowing I was going to have to start the whole pushing process over again was absolutely terrifying.
They wheeled me into the room and explained that they were going to give me an epidural and an IV so Dr. Ryan could do what he needed in order to get the baby out. I then explained back to them that I certainly did NOT want an epidural and I needed to talk to my midwife NOW! Michele came in and also explained that in order to do what he needed to do, Dr. Ryan needed to have me on an epidural.
Now, if you know me very well, you know I've never stayed in a hospital before, I've always hated needles and had panic attacks at the sight of them and I've never been hooked up to an IV before, either. Well, all that changed this day! They gave me an epidural, hooked me up to an IV, and started pitocin. I also had to have an internal fetal monitor and a catheter which were both terrifying considering I'd never even stayed in a hospital before. Now, as much as I fought against the epidural, it was really amazing after two hours of those pushing contractions to just not feel a thing. I was almost relaxed now, as much as I could be. Everyone left but Robert and me. Robert slept. I tried to sleep, but didn't. The epidural made my heart rate drop which made me incredibley cold and shaky, so then I had to get a shot in the leg to raise my blood pressure. Plus, I was either starving from not eating all night, or the fetal monitor was cutting off the circulation to my sides, but something was uncomfortable and I think it was right above the point where the epidural began.
Eventually Dr. Ryan came in and introduced himself. "I'm Dr. Ryan and I'm really sorry you have to be here." Dr. Ryan is the midwives' backup and as long as it's not an emergency, hospital transfers always go to him. He is a very strong supporter of midwifery and he will do as much as he can in order for a mama to delivery her baby vaginally. He then told me that he would do whatever he could do get the baby out the old fashioned way, but he couldn't guarantee anything. Then I cried. I didn't want surgery.
Dr. Ryan went to change and came back in about 30 minutes to deliver our baby. I think I mentioned at some point when they were telling me to push, that I'd already done all this before! I was starting the process all over again. Dr. Ryan tried to use the vacuum to rotate baby, but no success there. I think what ended up happening is that he was able to manually rotate the baby with his hands. Yes, hands.. plural. Then I was told to push again..which, thank goodness I'd done it before for two hours, otherwise I'd not have known what to do at all. I couldn't feel a thing. At one point, I heard him say "we've got to get this kid out of here now" which made me a tad bit worried, but as I was pushing, I could hear them saying things that were reassuring me that the baby was making its way out! Baby still had to be delivered with forceps, but in just a few minutes I was told to reach down and get my baby! I grabbed her little body and up it came. I looked down and she was a girl! I knew she was a girl.
I got to hold her for a few minutes, but then she had to be taken away for all the hospital procedures after birth. My tummy was then squished around to deliver the rest and then it was over. Dr. Ryan kissed me on the forehead, told me congratulations and then everyone cried. Well, I didn't cry. I was incredibly traumatized and confused at this point and everything seemed very surreal. I did keep asking when I would get my baby back, and in a few short minutes I had her with me again. She was very upset for the first few hours, and of course, that's understandable considering how much head trauma she'd just experienced. I would've been upset, too.
She was 8lbs 2 oz and 20.5 inches long.
We asked to leave the next day and Dr. Ryan assured us that if everything was okay, that would be fine.
At around 9:00 that night, they took us to a new room to stay in. It was basically a hotel room with a queen size bed and it was very nice for a hospital. I did miss my hospital bed though because it was so much easier to manage with the pain I was experiencing. I ended up with a second degree tear and (I think) a pretty serious cystocele.
I was feeling pretty confused at this point because I felt like the the hospital staff assumed the midwives let me know everything I was supposed to do afterwards, but the doctors were actually supposed to do that, or what actually ended up being the case was that I was so out of it that I just don't remember anyone telling me anything. I didn't know about the cystocele until Saturday when Chelsey came to check on us and I had no idea I was supposed to be waking her up every two hours for feedings because of her jaundice. Anyway, back to the story.. I felt like at least 30 different people came to check on us during the night..pediatricians, nurses, Dr. Ryan, some other doctor and people checking vitals. We had pancakes in the morning and guilt free Dr. Pepper. Everyone had gone home at this point but my mom, who spent the night with us, and Rob's momma who was still in town.
She spent her first 24 hours without a name but hospital policy said we had to name her before we left, so we agreed on Aven Finley which wasn't really even in our top name choices but we both thought it fit.
Now that we're home and everyone is gone I'm feeling pretty emotional. I'm still grieving my birth I didn't have and every time I see things around the house that were supposed to be for my birth I still get sad. I feel a sort of incompleteness about the whole thing, because the last time I was at my house before St. Anthony, we were going to have a baby in our home, in our bed the next morning. Since that didn't happen, everything just feels a little off. And now that it's been almost two weeks since she was born, I'm shocked at how fast the time flew by and I just want to be back in the hospital with baby and our family, eating pancakes in bed two weeks ago.
Also, the stress of having a new baby and the fact that I haven't really slept much since then only adds to the emotions that I'm having. Aven really loves to sleep for hours around noon and hates sleeping at night and I'm not really one for naps. She likes to flail her newly freed arms around as much as she can, which doesn't really create a nice sleeping environment for either of us. Aside from all this, we're so happy to finally have her home, out of my belly, and in my arms (even though my arms are very tired). She's adjusted well to breastfeeding, even though she eats what seems like every five minutes. She's a happy baby and we're beyond thrilled with her.
I'm a little bit scared with Robert going back to work tomorrow. I'm still healing emotionally and physically and baby and I need all the help we can get. I've felt sort of lost ever since my mom left to go back home, and now that Robert will be gone I'm a little bit terrified. I'm not sure how to get anything done anymore.
Did I mention that breastfeeding is the biggest commitment I've ever made in my life? I was a little bit naive, I think at first. I read all the stories of how hard it was and how people would just give up. I thought to myself, what's the big deal? You don't even have to fix a bottle! Just put the baby on your boob and go! But, this little one eats every second of the day. Everything gets put on hold when she's hungry. Plus, before now, I was constantly worried if she was eating enough, if she was eating too much, and if she was healthy. Seriously, biggest commitment ever. I'm so glad we're sticking it out though! I know it's the best thing for her, and although it's hard, I'm glad we're doing it.

****************************
So there's our story. I hope I remembered it all and told it the best that I could.

I'm so thankful for my team of friends, family and midwives that were with me at my birth, and I'm so thankful for Dr. Ryan who was able to get little Aven out of my belly when I couldn't. Even though my birth wasn't ideal, it turned out wonderfully anyway. The hospital staff at St. Anthony was great, Dr. Ryan was amazing, and my midwives were there with me the entire time, reassuring me along the way that everything was okay.

*******

I had added some extra stuff here, but unfortunately my blog got all cray-cray and deleted itself. I'll try to remember again.

After I got my epidural, something was hurting like crazy in my stomach or my side, I couldn't tell. I didn't know if I was starving to death, or if the fetal monitor was just way too tight. Michelle loosened it and it seemed to help a little.

I remember having a clip in my hair after I gave birth and thinking, why is this stupid clip all up in my hair? Apparently Liz had put it there, but it was serving no purpose and looked ridiculous. She had to go buy a brush for me in Walgreens or maybe the gift shop and it took me like 30 minutes to brush my hair out.

The first thing I asked for after giving birth were baby socks. I remember reading somewhere to bring baby socks to the hospital so baby's feet won't get cold. I don't remember the reasoning or where I read it, but for some reason I was really adamant about getting baby socks.

The first thing I said when Aven came out was "It's a girl, I knew it was a girl! She's not ugly!!!" For some reason, I just KNEW she was going to come out looking like an ugly, weird alien. She was pretty cute though.

The first thing I had to eat was sushi and a guilt free Dr. Pepper. Guilt free because I was no longer feeding my baby high fructose corn syrup. And sushi is the one thing I craved my entire pregnancy!

Does anyone else find it hilarious the things they put you in in the hospital. Mesh underwear, size XL. Pads with NO adhesive so they flop around inside the way too large for you mesh underwear that keep falling off. Then an ice pack WITH adhesive on top of the pad, so the pad weighs twice as much and now flops around even more. I asked the nurse for another pair of underwear and she brought me some but they were an XL. I said, Do you have anything smaller? No, this is the smallest we have? REALLY? Cause it's also the largest you have!! I will never understand.

After we headed home, Brenda mentioned that she'd saved our hospital bracelets in case I wanted to put them in the baby book. I was completely delirious and out of it and responded with something like "I usually don't keep trash". Sorry about that.


This is Dr. Ryan
And here's Princess Aven