..the truth of the matter

As I sit here bouncing this rocker, trying to get my baby to stop fighting her sleep, I'm thinking..I cannot believe it's been three weeks. Three. Weeks. These three weeks have been just as fast as the last three weeks of my pregnancy were slow. Does that make sense? It boggles my mind to think that it was almost a month ago that I was at the hospital having this baby. In six days, she'll be a month old. How is that even possible?

The last three weeks have been filled with long nights, a dirty house, a constantly hungry baby, more diapers than I can count and lots of food that's probably horrible for me. The first week was the worst. My emotions were going haywire, I was crying most nights, I didn't sleep for the first few days and I couldn't imagine that my life would ever be anything more than feeding my baby. And I was lonely. Well, I wasn't lonely, but I felt lonely. It's strange how adding a new little precious person into your family can at times make you feel so secluded and alone in your own skin at the beginning. It's something no one usually talks about, but it's very true. I really feel like I need to find a community of people to be around, it would be better for me and baby both to have more people in our lives. I sit in my house all day long with baby and pretty much do nothing. I'm too tired to be productive, but I'm too stressed about my lack of productivity to relax. I really want to get out and do things I used to do, but I'm so nervous about taking the baby out that I haven't done anything at all. I hate having to put her in her carseat, drive her across town, get her out of the carseat, worry about whether she'll get hungry or not and if I'll get looks from strangers about feeding her in public.

I keep looking to the future for relief. "Maybe at six weeks everything will be easier and we'll have a routine down and we'll be able to go out and I'll be able to dress both of us in real clothes that won't get covered in milk.." Then I feel bad for not cherishing these moments right now and I get angry at myself for wishing the future here so quickly, because I'm already sad about how fast these first weeks flew by.

Oh, and I didn't mention that my headaches are back again, I'm really hoping they're hormonal and nothing to be worried about. But, they've been happening again everyday for about a week or so.

As much as I sound sad..I really am falling more and more and love with this new precious face everyday. She makes the cutest faces and the sweetest (sometimes grossest) sounds and although she's frustrating at times, I'm so happy she's finally here with us.